Letter to 2020

My Discombobulated Mind

<this post is courtesy a book I started reading, which is YA genre
and I guess it's all about "being with friends & happy">

From the day I started reading this book (which is yesterday), my mind can’t keep calm. It reminds me my best of times with MY friends.
I want to crawl back into years of memories and relive those moments when I had “good” friends, when I was “happy” (sort of).

There was a time, when Family & Friends meant the same thing to me. And I loved the feeling I got when I met/talk/text/chat with a friend even if it’s late at night or super early. I used to graze all day at other things, to be present in the moment after the chaos of the day ends when I will interact with my friends (mostly it was post midnights). It was MY online friends that saved my soul from going into anything mildly related to depression or sadness. I found them, and I found SMILE 🙂
Yes, that was it, a community where we people were always smiling or helping each other to Smile.

Not only online friends, I had real physically present friends too. And time with them used to FLY out too.

When I joined in my Intership, it was New City, New Life for me. Being an introvert, has always been the biggest barrier for me to start on a friendship and reach a level. But I was BLESSED, because people came and we became friends.

The after office walks, or the auto rides made my insane day sane. The midnight walks in Mhada Hills (yes, I lived in a place which had hills and it was beautiful and very silent at nights). I loved walking alone, or with my friends and sometimes roommates.

All this stuff, and talks, and walks, and promises, and happiness just unravelled my mind once I started reading the book in context and I wish I could relive those times.

Because now, people are busy with office, or personal life. Some having kids, some planning for kids, some getting married, some already moved to new Country. In Short Living LIFE as an adult.

Want to add line’s of a hindi song, that keep coming to my mind at this hour..

mein aur meri tanhai aksar yeh baatein kiya karte hai.. ki tum hote toh aisa hota.. ki tum hote toh waisa hota…

Before starting to write all this, I have thought, and thought and thought and cried for the misfortune I have now.
Because for approx 2 years, I have a very HARD choice in thinking people as friends and getting stabbed by them, or not caring enough.
Being Me is very difficult, I trust people and they think it’s cool enough to not think about me or just ignore me. If it had been maybe 15 years ago, I would have been OK with it. But now, as the time pass I need people to know what I am to them, what are they to me. And be real for once.

It’s an odd time to post on blog, but I just wanted it out of my system. And it doesn’t even matter that this post has grammatical errors, or people may think “what does she wants to say”. I just wanted it OUT, ON THE ONLINE WORLD. To let the Universe know that I still CARE, I do, and all I need is just minutes of “my” friends day/night time to acknowledge that I EXIST.

It is ALL OKAY!
And ALL will be OKAY!

Keep Smiling..
With luv,
..mpsn..nehuu..

IT took, another one.

Saving Space for this POST.

Thoughts are Too MANY right now. Will be posting contents soon.
<updated on 22 June 2020>

 

It’s one week already, and my mind can’t wrap itself on the thought of a well known Actor Sushant Singh Rajput committing suicide due to his mental illness.

Though there are many speculations, & it can be a planned murder. But India has already lost one of very talented Actor on 14 June 2020. I have loved and praised him several times for his performances and it just hurts me, that we will not be able to see more of those now.

Last week when I saved this “space”, I was under the thoughts of how WE as an individual fails to acknowledge the simple thought that we are “LIVING”. This year, we humans have been thrown into many human made (may be) and natural disaster. Be it Corona, earthquakes, or floods, many of us have been surviving alone or with family.

This is exactly the time, when one can feel “alone” too, so PLEASE MAKE SURE TO ASK YOUR very near one’s or even the odd one’s if they are OKAY.

I myself have distanced myself from social media like whatsapp, instagram and my blog too. But this is only because I don’t want to get in the whirlwind of thoughts what others go. It is very necessary to understand what your MIND/mental state can take into, and it’s not a shame or shyness to accept it. But at the same time, I have connected with some of my old friends, from my graduation or my first online friends (10 years ago), or my first Flatmates in Mumbai. And it’s so good to hear from them how the time has treated them. Many married, have kids, moved places and lost loved ones (haven’t we all have!?)

This post was suppose to be TO LET YOU KNOW, that —>

It’s totally OKAY! if you want to take break from people (online/offline) because humans can be a very much reason for your mind not at peace.

It’s totally OKAY! if your mind breaks into pieces because after that there surely will be a masterpiece out of it.

It’s totally OKAY! to connect with friends after a loooong time, because that will surely give you happy memories you spent with them.

It’s totally OKAY! if your favorite pastime is not your favorite anymore, because that means you can look out for 1000th option to pass your time.

It’s totally OKAY! to be NOT Okay! Because it only makes us MORE HUMAN.
Just remember, to talk to one or more of your closed & near, dear ones. They give perspective to our unravelled thoughts, and they clear all the dusty air that keeps our mind always congested.

 

So BE HAPPY (alone or with someone)
BE HEALTHY (mentally and physically)
BE WEALTHY (not just with money, but people too)

——– Hope this post makes any sense, and help someone who needs this ——– 

Take Care..
With Love & Warm Hugs,
-mpsn, nehuu..

Girls Like Us

Girls Like Us

by Elizabeth Hazen
Publisher: Alan Squire Press
Release Date:  March 2020

 

Girls Like Us is packed with fierce, eloquent, and deeply intelligent poetry focused on female identity and the contradictory personas women are expected to embody. The women in these poems sometimes fear and sometimes knowingly provoke the male gaze. At times, they try to reconcile themselves to the violence that such attentions may bring; at others, they actively defy it. Hazen’s insights into the conflict between desire and wholeness, between self and self-destruction, are harrowing and wise. The predicaments confronted in Girls Like Us are age-old and universal—but in our current era, Hazen’s work has a particular weight, power, and value.

I love reading poetry, and mostly I instantly feel them connected to me. But with Girls Like Us, it started slow I was confused at the beginning. But as I kept reading, & the poem’s came across as a rebel, and what WE (girls) go through most of our life. Called by names, Eyes those see us, Feeling we go through, Fears our mind has and Thoughts that keep us awake at nights.

I liked how different were each poem’s crafted, with different ideas portraying issues Girls/Women have. The book cover is exactly what the book talks about.

I like poems those rhyme, and this one has only one such poem. But still I quiet liked this whole book, and I would recommend whoever reads it, please read it like a “Spoken Poetry” because that way you will connect more to the poems and words. I realized this a bit later in 3-4th poem and after that, each poem spoke to me.

I would recommend these to everyone, who likes reading meaningful poetry that don’t naturally rhyme.

Moving Day

My mind’s
an emptied drawer, its clutter filed away.

Photograph

He left no trace
but an edge of shadow, the picture’s only flaw.

Driving Home at Dawn

Even now,
my fingertips tingle,
your name like a host
on my tongue.

Electricity

I lie until his
breath deepens and the ticking
clock becomes a heartbeat.

⭐ ⭐ ⭐  .5

Elizabeth Hazen is a poet, essayist, and teacher. A Maryland native, she came of age in a suburb of Washington, D.C. in the pre-internet, grunge-tinted 1990s, when women were riding the third wave of feminism and fighting the accompanying backlash. She began writing poems when she was in middle school, after a kind-hearted librarian handed her Lawrence Ferlinghetti’s A Coney Island of the Mind. She has been reading and writing poems ever since.

Hazen’s work explores issues of addiction, mental health, and sexual trauma, as well as the restorative power of love and forgiveness. Her poems have appeared in Best American Poetry, American Literary Review, Shenandoah, Southwest Review, The Threepenny Review, The Normal School, and other journals. Alan Squire Publishing released her first book, Chaos Theories, in 2016. Girls Like Us is her second collection. She lives in Baltimore with her family.

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to be, or not to be..

The question which encapsulates my mind the most.!

“to be, or not to be..”?

Being temporary away is easy and coming back is so very difficult (esp. for me). Because, it disturbs me to think there will be people who can question the disappearance, and if there is no one to question, it can disturb me more…

Being an introvert, is kind of running alone in the race and still praying not to win it. Because Winning will mean, there will be claps. *No we don’t want claps. Let us be in behind.*

Coming back means, you can have an extra tunnel to channel your creative/stupid mind. But it also means, to be more “interactive”. Because now-a-days it’s all about “being e-social” in social distance.

So this is my first step to be back, to my social media writing as well as bookstagram account. I am not sure, WHEN it will happen in proper. But MAY BE SOON!

If anyone reads this, here is to hoping that everything is well at your side in this pandemic. I wish you & your family well.

-mpsn, nehuu..

Sparrow

Sparrow

by Mary Cecilia Jackson
Publisher: Tor Teen
Release Date: March 17th 2020

Genre: Young Adult, Contemporary

In the tradition of Laurie Halse Anderson’s Speak, a devastating but hopeful YA debut about a ballerina who finds the courage to confront the abuse that haunts her past and threatens her future.

There are two kinds of people on the planet. Hunters and prey

I thought I would be safe after my mother died. I thought I could stop searching for new places to hide. But you can’t escape what you are, what you’ve always been.

My name is Savannah Darcy Rose.

And I am still prey.

Though Savannah Rose―Sparrow to her friends and family―is a gifted ballerina, her real talent is keeping secrets. Schooled in silence by her long-dead mother, Sparrow has always believed that her lifelong creed―“I’m not the kind of girl who tells”―will make her just like everyone else: Normal. Happy. Safe. But in the aftermath of a brutal assault by her seemingly perfect boyfriend Tristan, Sparrow must finally find the courage to confront the ghosts of her past, or lose herself forever….

Content Warning : Physical/Emotional Abuse

Sparrow is the story Savannah Darcy Rose, who loves & is a ballerina (hence the name), lives with her father and Aunt Sophie. Friends call Savannah as Sparrow, and I was amazed by the details of ballet that was put in. It sometimes looked like a wonderful painting in words.

The book is written from two POV’s one from Sparrow aka Savannah and the other is Lucas, one of her best friend, her ballet partner (also he is in love with her, because why not. A girl and boy can’t ever be just a friend, rite!? )

Sparrow in just few pages falls in love with Tristan “King” and decides she will love him no matter what. Because he is Handsome, and rich and…(well what more does a girl need, rite!?)
But Tristan is not what she thought, and he can be very brutally brutal. Even after her friends/family, trying to reach Sparrow and seeing Red Flags, she just walked down the road to disaster.
But wait, there are some other secrets Sparrow hasn’t shared with the world(us & her family). Lucas is a best friend, so surely he knows ALL ABOUT IT.

Want to know what the secret is ? Well sure, go ahead and grab the book.

The story has so many cliche’s that I was not that happy with the book.
But let’s get to the good things that I LOVED about this book.

Writing, I loved the poetic, lyrical way the author Mary wrote the book. There were so many sentences which I just loved because the so poetic.
Friendship, I love books that show very strong friendship (and I really don’t care that if one of them is in love with another).

There are few strong female character’s that I loved. One of them is Lucas’s Granny Deirdre , with age comes the wisdom can be so true to this character. I loved her, and she reminded me of my grandmother.
Dr. Gray < you need to read to know about her role > _i don’t want to give out spoilers :P_

I close my eyes, lost in the memory of the canvases lined up against my father’s bookshelves, drying on easels in the dining room, propped up against the windows in the living room, on the cushions of the window seat at the top of the stairs.

It’s like grief walks with you, sits beside you in calculus class, asks you to pass the salt at the dinner table.

The little ones still have so much hope, even when there’s no hope left to be had. That’s how they survive. That’s how they bear their sorrows.

Sometimes all we can do is watch and grieve. And that has to be enough.

If you want to help her, then do her the honor of believing she has the courage to mend herself.

⭐ ⭐ ⭐  .7

Mary Cecilia Jackson has worked as a middle school teacher, an adjunct instructor of college freshmen, a technical writer and editor, a speechwriter, a museum docent, and a development officer for central Virginia’s PBS and NPR stations. Her first novel, Sparrow, was an honor recipient of the SCBWI Sue Alexander Award and a young-adult finalist in the Writers’ League of Texas manuscript contest. She lives with her architect husband, William, in Western North Carolina and Hawaii, where they have a farm and five ridiculously adorable goats.

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*I received an advance readers eBook copy of Sparrow, as part of FFB Blog Tour via Netgalley in return of an honest review. The views are my own.
All quotes in this review are taken from the Advanced Reader Copy and may change in final publication.*

….nothing….

I have been keeping out and suppressing my feeling on a matter that is very crucial in everyone’s LIFE.

We come crying, and when we leave we leave people crying. And I am not sure, if the life is worth living for this sadness.
I mean yaa sure, the cocktail of happiness and sadness is Life.. but what about when it ends ? Does it ever leave people behind any happiness? or they have to keep living with the HOPE that the person is in BETTER PLACE.

Well you know what is The Better Place for the deceased ?
Living with their near and dear ones.
Being part of the happiness, life give the new ones, and share the wisdom of being older.

Since last year, I have been in between sentimental turmoil for being around people who have lost their super near ones. It started November 2019 and since then I have read & many a time being part of the emotions we humans go thru.

My brother-in-law (jiju), lost his mother in November and I have been with my sister when they lost his father last year. And I was as heartbroken as my sister or jiju was.
My very very good friend from office, lost her dad in December and she was talking on phone to her dad when he stopped responding. I traveled to her home town to be with her, and stayed there for good amount of time to support & help her and family. Apparently she and her sister are married and both live outside India, so this was more than a setback what will her mother do about it. But aunty stayed strong, and said she will be living in same house for sometime and then think about what to do next.

Being in this turmoil since last year, I decided somewhere in later part of 2019 that I will be going to Jaipur Literature festival. To sooth myself from this sadness, and be around things I love. And in retrospect of it, I asked someone very CLOSE Book friend if they were going and how they were planning. Sadly the person never replied, but I was very strong in going to JLF 2020. So I planned out with my parents, to join me and they can have time spend in beautiful city and then we can visit Pushkar (a place from my childhood, that I simply love) & Bramhaji’s temple.
And all arrangements were made. And I was counting dates backward, for all the relief I will get in going out with my parents and to a place that will sooth me.

But as the date approached, exactly 4 days before I was planning to leave. My Nani (maternal grandmother) was admitted to ICU in a nearby hospital, as she was having trouble in taking breath. And she stayed in ICU 2 days, on 3rd day when they shifted her to general room I was totally broken about the Trip. I knew my mother will never let me cancel it, because I have been too much happy about the travel and everything. So on 3rd day I just without letting them know, cancelled the tickets. Come the 4th evening, my mom said come on start packing we will be leaving tomorrow morning. And I asked her, if she really wanted to go. even though it was a though situation for her, she said “woh ab theek hai, hum log wapis aa kar unko ghar pe milenge” (She is okay now, we will meet her at home once we are back). Then I told my parents that I had cancelled the trip already. They were pleased and sad about me. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS WAS ONE OF MY BEST DECISION IN LIFE.

Because on the day, we were about to traveled same night my nani got critical again and was shifted to ICU at 2am. She got shifted next day back to general ward.
I stayed with my nani at nights for 4 nights and even I am an insomniac there was something about hospital that forced me to sleep early than my regular time. But due to condition of nani a 24 alertness was required I had multiple coffee’s at night and came home in morning have a 1 1/2 hr sleep and join office.
I was so tired, and pissed that why no one else was asked to stay at night. But many of my cousins aren’t in India and those who are married with kids or just married so it left me and one of my cousin bro. But he got night shifts for office so all the burden was on me. Because not sleeping at night, and constantly talking to my nani, to massage on her head, rub her feet took lots of stamina and I didn’t want my aged aunties/uncle to go thru it.

And finally after consecutive 3 nights at hospital, my nani came back after 12 nights as doctors said she is okay but due to cold all the treatment they were giving in hospital can be continued in home too. My nani being a 88 years old kid, didn’t liked the idea of going back home because it meant my massi’s and everyone will stop coming to meet her. But before leaving hospital she made everyone promise to come and meet her like everyone did in hospital.
It was 2 days, she was back home and I went and met her on 2nd night at home and ask her how she was and all other questions. She was happy to see me, and we talked a lot. I and mom came back home around 11pm that night and my Maa was a bit disturbed (i wasn’t sure why). Next morning @ 6:15am we got call on our landline and as you can guess it was a call that broke our heart.

4th Feb 1990, 30 years ago we lost our Nanu(maternal grandfather), and on 4th Feb 2020, we lost out Nani(maternal grandmother)
We all were so numb about it, that we should be okay with this that our Nanu came to take our Nani and they were at THE HAPPY PLACE together. But what about us? Where is our happy place ? because people whom we love make our happy place and we just lost the oldest person we loved.
Another strange thing about all this was, what was supposed to be my Nani’s 89th Birthday we did her Kriya on 14th Feb 2020.

I wanted to write this post since 4th Feb 2020, BUT losing a family member isn’t easy and it will never get easy. Maa still unknowingly starts crying, and my dad couldn’t sleep at night that day and came to my mother and said that he lost his mother, as she was the only one since quiet some time now all we HAD.
Since the day, my nani got into hospital in ICU I had not for a second switched off lights in our Prayer room, and Maa finally switched it off on Brahman Bhoj saying she is at a good place now.
I am sure, that none will be reading this and I am writing it just to journalling my last few month’s into this post. But who made it till here, will surely be asking me. WHY TODAY I decided to write this. What actually triggered it.
Well it’s another death that happened in our neighborhood, the person was seriously ill and spend 20 days on Ventilator (those who don’t know what it is, it is the shittiest thing doctors can invent. I dislike this equipment so much, because I lost my grandfather due to this stupid machine. he wanted to say something, but alas this machine doesn’t give patient a chance to speak or do anything.)

Wondering again, if all this is worth it?
We study, We work, We eat, We Party, We Love, We Hate.
But all of this will lead all of us to ONE single STOP.

<this post is very very personal to me, as this post mentions the WORST fear I have.>

P.S. Grammar nazzi’s please stay out.

Jane Anonymous

Jane Anonymous

by Laurie Faria Stolarz
Publisher: Wednesday Books
Release Date: January 7th 2020

Genre: Young Adult, Contemporary

Bestselling author Laurie Faria Stolarz returns with Jane Anonymous, a gripping tale of a seventeen-year-old girl’s kidnapping and her struggle to fit back into her life after she escapes.

Then, “Jane” was just your typical 17-year-old in a typical New England suburb getting ready to start her senior year. She had a part-time job she enjoyed, an awesome best friend, overbearing but loving parents, and a crush on a boy who was taking her to see her favorite band. She never would’ve imagined that in her town where nothing ever happens, a series of small coincidences would lead to a devastating turn of events that would forever change her life.

Now, it’s been three months since “Jane” escaped captivity and returned home. Three months of being that girl who was kidnapped, the girl who was held by a “monster.” Three months of writing down everything she remembered from those seven months locked up in that stark white room. But, what if everything you thought you knew―everything you thought you experienced―turned out to be a lie?

Content Warning : Kidnapping, Sexual Assault, Self-Harm, Stockholm Syndrome, PTSD, Panic Attacks

Jane Anonymous is the story about Jane, from Jane’s point of view in a Journal format writing “Then” & “Now”.
As the story has a “Now”, we immediately know all went well and I would have preferred it divided in first Then and second Now parts. Also because the story is given by Jane herself, she describes the relationship between her mother, and friend pretty well. But that same care I wasn’t able to see later in the chapters in “Now” part. and I felt so pity for Jane because she thought so high of them and they felt more like a people who taunt about things..

I was really spiraled by Jane’s time as a captive, it was so horrifying. Someone losing their independence and sitting in just a room for months.

There are also some twists in the story, but I had my doubts about those but still those came as more surprise when full story was revealed.

This was my first read by author Laurie Faria Stolarz, but am pretty sure I am gonna go and other published books by her.

Except I don’t want to think about tomorrow. I want to stat in the space between days-the space where I don’t have to worry about letting people down or saying the wrong thing.

Friendship is a two-way street, and I’ve been nothing but dead ends.

We’ve all carried our regret around like anchors, struggling not to drown.

Life isn’t a race. You go at your own pace, okay?

⭐ ⭐ ⭐ ⭐ .25

Laurie Faria Stolarz grew up in Salem, MA, attended Merrimack College, and received an MFA in Creative Writing from Emerson College in Boston.

Laurie Faria Stolarz is an American author of young adult fiction novels, best known for her Blue is for Nightmares series. Her works, which feature teenage protagonists, blend elements found in mystery and romance novels.

Stolarz found sales success with her first novel, Blue is for Nightmares, and followed it up with three more titles in the series, White is for Magic, Silver is for Secrets, and Red is for Remembrance, as well as a companion graphic novel, Black is for Beginnings. Stolarz is also the author of the Touch series (Deadly Little Secret, Deadly Little Lies, Deadly Little Games, Deadly Little Voices, and Deadly Little Lessons), as well as Bleed and Project 17. With more than two million books sold worldwide, Stolarz’s titles have been named on various awards list.

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• Pop Sugar Challenge Prompt 1 : A book that’s published in 2020
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*I received an advance readers eBook copy of Jane Anonymous, as part of FFB Blog Tour via Netgalley in return of an honest review. The views are my own.
All quotes in this review are taken from the Advanced Reader Copy and may change in final publication.*

GoodBye 2019

Thanks everyone who were with me in 2019,
Wishing you Health and Happiness in 2020.

My year was filled with ups and down, more downs than ups.
With Family and very very Limited friends, I finish this year.
And in hope that the next year be a little more considerate on me and I teach myself some self love because that I surely need.
NOT to connect emotionally to people coming in my life through any social media, because they go soon enough. So better to be prepared then to cry on the loss.

I loved that my reading genre’s were expanded this year, and read many classics and award winning author’s. Not everyone made it to my favorites, but some did and I will cherish those books forever.

Happy New Year 2020 to YOU & Your Family..

..nehu..

 

The Dark Lord Clementine

Book : The Dark Lord Clementine
Author : Sarah Jean Horwitz
Pages : 336

The Wizard of Oz meets Harry Potter, magical journey.

Story

The story revolves around Clementine, who has been groomed to be a Dark Lord since birth. Not quiet yet dark lord, she comes face to face with challenges when the curse on her father current Dark Lord, Elithor sees the daylight.
Slowly and steadily losing the power of being a Dark Lord and a father, Elithor shuts himself out and Clementine is left alone with the farm, animals, scarecrows, poisonous apple on Castle Brack.

Until one day, she decides to do something which, according to her father is not how a Dark Lord should act. She finds friends, or maybe she thought they were friends till the real face of her and others come out.

What is the curse ?
Will Dark Lord Elithor, over come the curse?
or will Clementine step up and be the new Dark Lord?

For all these answers you need to read this book.

Writing

I love middle-grade books, especially those who has magic and fantasy world.
This is my first book from authoress Sarah Jean Horwitz, and I like her writing. It was flowing, and even though there were past & present stories shift the shift was swift and easily follow-able.

So many things in the book reminded me of The Wizard of Oz and Harry Potter, due to the magic, the land, dark lord, evil witches and so many other things. And it is in a good way.
There is magic, there are unicorns, there is friendship and there is a bit of love.

This story is about a twelve year girl, who has been shown a path since birth, but as she is living that journey she isn’t sure if she can be The One.

I loved how weather got changed with the emotional state of people living on the land, and Clementine’s hair color change. I also loved how Gricken came into existence (you need to read to know, what Gricken is 😀 )

About Characters, the main protagonist is Clementine, who is expected to be someone, but she isn’t that. She is a perfect blend to be a good daughter and yet explore things that make her curious or because she likes them. Her journey from being a loner, to being someone whom people can trust upon is amazing.

Black Sheep, is my second favorite character. He is funny, and annoyed at the same time 😀 (You need to read it to know about this one)

Final Note :

A middle-grade book, full of magic and magical creatures, and funny at the same time, you got to read this

Cover: 4/5
Title: 4.5/5
Blurb: 5/5
Theme: 5/5
Story: 5/5
Characters: 5/5
Overall: 4.6/5

*This book review was provided by publishers via netgalley in return of an honest review. The views are my own*

*-*-*-*-*-*-*Book Challenges*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Read this book, as part of
>> Pop Sugar Challenge Prompt 4 : A book you think should be turned into a movie : I definitely think this will make a very good children movie.
>> Write Tribe Reading Challenge Prompt 8 : A book with a name in the title