….nothing….

I have been keeping out and suppressing my feeling on a matter that is very crucial in everyone’s LIFE.

We come crying, and when we leave we leave people crying. And I am not sure, if the life is worth living for this sadness.
I mean yaa sure, the cocktail of happiness and sadness is Life.. but what about when it ends ? Does it ever leave people behind any happiness? or they have to keep living with the HOPE that the person is in BETTER PLACE.

Well you know what is The Better Place for the deceased ?
Living with their near and dear ones.
Being part of the happiness, life give the new ones, and share the wisdom of being older.

Since last year, I have been in between sentimental turmoil for being around people who have lost their super near ones. It started November 2019 and since then I have read & many a time being part of the emotions we humans go thru.

My brother-in-law (jiju), lost his mother in November and I have been with my sister when they lost his father last year. And I was as heartbroken as my sister or jiju was.
My very very good friend from office, lost her dad in December and she was talking on phone to her dad when he stopped responding. I traveled to her home town to be with her, and stayed there for good amount of time to support & help her and family. Apparently she and her sister are married and both live outside India, so this was more than a setback what will her mother do about it. But aunty stayed strong, and said she will be living in same house for sometime and then think about what to do next.

Being in this turmoil since last year, I decided somewhere in later part of 2019 that I will be going to Jaipur Literature festival. To sooth myself from this sadness, and be around things I love. And in retrospect of it, I asked someone very CLOSE Book friend if they were going and how they were planning. Sadly the person never replied, but I was very strong in going to JLF 2020. So I planned out with my parents, to join me and they can have time spend in beautiful city and then we can visit Pushkar (a place from my childhood, that I simply love) & Bramhaji’s temple.
And all arrangements were made. And I was counting dates backward, for all the relief I will get in going out with my parents and to a place that will sooth me.

But as the date approached, exactly 4 days before I was planning to leave. My Nani (maternal grandmother) was admitted to ICU in a nearby hospital, as she was having trouble in taking breath. And she stayed in ICU 2 days, on 3rd day when they shifted her to general room I was totally broken about the Trip. I knew my mother will never let me cancel it, because I have been too much happy about the travel and everything. So on 3rd day I just without letting them know, cancelled the tickets. Come the 4th evening, my mom said come on start packing we will be leaving tomorrow morning. And I asked her, if she really wanted to go. even though it was a though situation for her, she said “woh ab theek hai, hum log wapis aa kar unko ghar pe milenge” (She is okay now, we will meet her at home once we are back). Then I told my parents that I had cancelled the trip already. They were pleased and sad about me. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, THIS WAS ONE OF MY BEST DECISION IN LIFE.

Because on the day, we were about to traveled same night my nani got critical again and was shifted to ICU at 2am. She got shifted next day back to general ward.
I stayed with my nani at nights for 4 nights and even I am an insomniac there was something about hospital that forced me to sleep early than my regular time. But due to condition of nani a 24 alertness was required I had multiple coffee’s at night and came home in morning have a 1 1/2 hr sleep and join office.
I was so tired, and pissed that why no one else was asked to stay at night. But many of my cousins aren’t in India and those who are married with kids or just married so it left me and one of my cousin bro. But he got night shifts for office so all the burden was on me. Because not sleeping at night, and constantly talking to my nani, to massage on her head, rub her feet took lots of stamina and I didn’t want my aged aunties/uncle to go thru it.

And finally after consecutive 3 nights at hospital, my nani came back after 12 nights as doctors said she is okay but due to cold all the treatment they were giving in hospital can be continued in home too. My nani being a 88 years old kid, didn’t liked the idea of going back home because it meant my massi’s and everyone will stop coming to meet her. But before leaving hospital she made everyone promise to come and meet her like everyone did in hospital.
It was 2 days, she was back home and I went and met her on 2nd night at home and ask her how she was and all other questions. She was happy to see me, and we talked a lot. I and mom came back home around 11pm that night and my Maa was a bit disturbed (i wasn’t sure why). Next morning @ 6:15am we got call on our landline and as you can guess it was a call that broke our heart.

4th Feb 1990, 30 years ago we lost our Nanu(maternal grandfather), and on 4th Feb 2020, we lost out Nani(maternal grandmother)
We all were so numb about it, that we should be okay with this that our Nanu came to take our Nani and they were at THE HAPPY PLACE together. But what about us? Where is our happy place ? because people whom we love make our happy place and we just lost the oldest person we loved.
Another strange thing about all this was, what was supposed to be my Nani’s 89th Birthday we did her Kriya on 14th Feb 2020.

I wanted to write this post since 4th Feb 2020, BUT losing a family member isn’t easy and it will never get easy. Maa still unknowingly starts crying, and my dad couldn’t sleep at night that day and came to my mother and said that he lost his mother, as she was the only one since quiet some time now all we HAD.
Since the day, my nani got into hospital in ICU I had not for a second switched off lights in our Prayer room, and Maa finally switched it off on Brahman Bhoj saying she is at a good place now.
I am sure, that none will be reading this and I am writing it just to journalling my last few month’s into this post. But who made it till here, will surely be asking me. WHY TODAY I decided to write this. What actually triggered it.
Well it’s another death that happened in our neighborhood, the person was seriously ill and spend 20 days on Ventilator (those who don’t know what it is, it is the shittiest thing doctors can invent. I dislike this equipment so much, because I lost my grandfather due to this stupid machine. he wanted to say something, but alas this machine doesn’t give patient a chance to speak or do anything.)

Wondering again, if all this is worth it?
We study, We work, We eat, We Party, We Love, We Hate.
But all of this will lead all of us to ONE single STOP.

<this post is very very personal to me, as this post mentions the WORST fear I have.>

P.S. Grammar nazzi’s please stay out.